Dyke van Dick

After being round the Med once with my ‘lady of advancing years’ I got to thinking about my own mother. They shared the same decade of birthright.

I thought some sea air would do my mother’s ailing chest some good.
Two packs of Virginias finest for forty years and she still hadn’t enough cigarette coupons for her iron lung.

We set sail with a doctor’s certificate pinned to her lapel. A good idea if you want to keep the randy old togers who were a few years in front of me away. A wheezing geriatric is fair game for the not so choosey.
It turned out to be a good idea.

I now had two ‘ladies of advancing years’ for the price of one.

One night after my mother had retired for the evening I was amusing myself in the bar when I spied a shapely damsel hard to port side. She noticed me noticing. Within two shakes of a sheik’s shaker she had made her move on me. Yes, she made her move on me. I thought to myself, Christmas has come early and with any luck Mr. October would come in this present.

There was one slight drawback. Said lady was a lesbian. Not that a small detail like this would stop me. As the conversation progressed I offered to show her the error of her ways. She was having none of my games. She did however suggest that I walk her to her cabin. Bemused I asked why I would contemplate such an offer if my snake couldn’t climb her ladder. Seems my damsel was also afloat with her mother who had no idea of her deviant preferences. Would I be a ruse as far as the cabin door? Hoping still to chance my luck I played Sir Galahad. No joy!

I found out I was naive in another way.

Towards the end of the cruise there was a formal meal with balloons, streamers and a photographer on hand to capture the smiling faces. For a large fee you could purchase your likeness the very next day. Three thousand stills adorned the inside planking and not a single one of me. Considering I had washed my face for the event I was sure a flashbulb or two had been pointed in my direction. My ‘lady of advancing years’ knew the game being played. In order to continue her pretence my lesbian friend has purchased all the
snapshots that had me as the main attraction.

Dear mama would never suspect and maybe even embellish her daughter’s imaginary fondness for 6’ 2” masculine maturity.
She was a looker my lesbian friend. Next year I think I’ll book a package holiday to Lesbia.

My mother died shortly after we made this trip.

Happy days!

Goodnight mum I’ve still got my sofa you know!