Bill and Ben

When yesteryear was just a word and the rat race had less rats I was privileged enough to have worked amongst some of the most prolific life givers that the world has ever produced.

No, they were not really all that special in terms of world changing events unless you realize of course that most folk’s worlds are very small indeed. They can still part my mandibles in the broadest sense when I think on what they got up to.

I will start with Bill and Ben.

This pair fed off each other and their surroundings in a way that Laurel and Hardy would have found difficult to emulate.

Ben was a plumber. With all the features that a working man manages to acquire by the time he is a journeyman. He owned over developed and knarled hands, a keen sense of the ridiculous, a razor sharp wit and an uncanny ability to find opportunity where little or none existed. He was also a mischief maker extraordinaire. Bill had been his apprentice, which says it all really.

They, like I worked in a hospital. These were the days when hospital smelled of carbolic, nurses looked angelic and porters were helpful. Not that this is not the case today, perhaps it just feels that way.

On one occasion Ben broke his finger and was off work for a couple of days. When an inquisitive nurse asked Bill where the other half of this double act was he proceeded to launch into this story.

According to Bill, Ben’s finger had gone septic. His arm had then become infected. Gangrene had set in. Said arm had been amputated.

The nurse bought the whole ridiculous story. So,Bill being a man of extreme fortitude pushed the boat out further.

He informed the nurse that unbeknown to most Ben was a keen concert pianist in his spare time and now there was no living with him. Given that we are talking of a man with fingers thicker than an oak sapling or two this was the most unlikely tale imaginable. Yet, in no time, the whole hospital was awash with grief at this poor man and his imaginary amputation. There was a collection, condolence card and everything. Quite an extreme amount of sheckels were raised.

Ben returned to work with a full compliment of limbs.

The staff were not amused.

As luck would have it Bill cried off from work sick on the very day of Bens return.

As the firewood was being collected for his pyre some bright spark decided to ask Ben how long he thought his compadre would be away from the workplace. Quick as a flash he retorted that as Bill had been suspended for his inveterate lying he had no idea.

This obviously was not the case; Bill simply had a head cold. Ben then related Bill’s true life story to all and sundry making out that anything he said was a tissue of lies. Needless to say when Bill got back on his feet the whole hospital had him branded.

I miss there two guys they brought a certain finesse to life. Nothing was that sacrosanct that tomfoolery couldn’t improve.

I know your up there, or down there, but wherever you are Ben have a laugh on me you were worth every minute of your time on this earth.