Auditions

As my journey through life progressed beyond the age where facial mapping became irreversible I noticed a pattern developing in the choice of women I met.

They all had children.

Not of the screaming variety, but of the lost socks, dirty plates and loud music variety. Most of them had other similarities. They were sedentary in a statuesque kind of way. Introductions took the form of an audition. Staring eyes followed my every movement, understandable really.

Who was this middle aged man encroaching on their territory? Challenging their environmental control?

It seemed that in direct proportion to the number of candles on their birthday cake the wax run made the icing unpalatable. When it comes to their parent, children have developed a unique ability to smother the truth behind their mystique. No matter how unpalatable it may sound I have met a few budding contenders for dictator of the year award. Any challenge to their domestic authority means mummy’s legs will not like the Sunday chicken dinner fall readily apart when thoroughly cooked. And to think these little ‘bastards’ once crawled out of the place I was trying my hardest to get into.

In time bribery may work. Cash in hand has a unique ability in quietening teenage angst.

On other occasions it’s a lost cause. The situation is too far gone. I’ve found it is far better then to bid farewell and beat a hasty retreat. Sad to say this is from my own life experience.

I have, when I felt the lady in question wasn’t so questionable that I might want to hang in there, overstepped the mark. Learning the hard way that there is only ever one winner and it is not me, can be a very painful truth.

Trick is never fall in love with anyone with baggage that has not yet travelled away from home. Even then it may not work, depending on the length of the apron strings.

Dysfunctional as I may be and crazy as it may sound, on the great chessboard that is my life this King can only cope with a queen who has no reciprocal arrangement with her pawns.