Dilemma

Hard to believe it had taken me over fifty full revolutions of this planet to work out I didn’t belong on this planet. At least that’s the way it seemed to me.

I had made an artform of not fitting in. As long as I remained in this frame of mind singular activities of the flesh would have to suffice. Not the most pleasant of thoughts forevermore. So an actor I became.

Like Gollum I too wished to visit the ‘Crack of Doom’. All I needed to do was find the appropriate ‘ring bearer’. Preferably without the company of Sam Gamgee, a fat hobbit with big hairy feet wasn’t my idea of a threesome.

But where could I look next? I had exhausted all the ‘normal’ avenues, internet sites, coffee houses, and singles clubs. How about I try my hand at speed dating I thought.

Unaware that this circus only travelled in the same direction, I found to my horror that like Russian roulette the gun is loaded around every sixth spin round the chambers.

Have you ever met a bi-polar frog on speed? May I suggest you try this form of embarrassment as an option before you offer an answer? This was a beetle drive for ugly people. What's more a press advert suggested this was 'a way to meet interesting and exciting people of similar interests'.

God help you earthlings if this is a factual statement.

And so, once again I found myself in the company of bollock scratching, sofa surfing and dispelling seed into a paper handkerchief.

Juliet, oh Juliet, where art though Juliet? Or Samantha, or Wilma, or Josephine.